jowk time

1.

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!

2.

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

3.

panget na babae, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

4.

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!

5.

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim..

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense,and
he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind." Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left
hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end.

The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream. "My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it,
he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!" ohmy.gif

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako

Father: ano kasalanan mo?

Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao

Father: bakit?

Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?

Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

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Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...



WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...



Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?

Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria


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1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso



Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?

Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!

Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!


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In a pet shop...



Customer talking to a parrot...



Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!

Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

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Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A

Pare: approachable?

Bobo: mali

Pare: amiable?

Bobo: mali pa rin

Pare: o sige siret na!

Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!


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Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?

Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!


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AHAS 1: makamandag ba tayo?
AHAS 2: ewan.... bakit??
AHAS 1: naknang!! nakagat ko dila ko kinakabahan ako...

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Halik
Isang gabi sa eskinita, napansin ni Pedro ang isang seksing babaing naglalakad mag-isa. Tinawag niya ang babae.

Pedro: Miss, babayaran kita ng P500.00 kung pweding mahalikan ang suso mo!

Miss: Bastos, gago ka ba at sabay binilisan ang lakad. Habol din si Pedro.

Pedro: Miss, gagawin kung P1,000.00 basta makahalik sa suso mo.

Miss: Alam mo, hindi ako ganyang klasing tao para tanggapin ang offer mo.

Pedro: Miss, huling offer, P5,000.00

Miss: Sa isang kondisyon, basta halik lang sa suso. Punta sila sa isang sulok at inilabas ang malaki at malusog na suso. Sinunggaban agad ni Pedro ang dyoga, sabay himas sa kaliwa at kaplog naman doon sa kanan. Masaya si Pedro at medyo nag-init na ng biglang nagsalita ang bebot.

Miss: Ano ba, hindi mo ba hahalikan ang boobs ko?

Pedro: Gusto ko sana pero ang mahal naman ng bayad!

Pedro:inay alam ko na ang k22hanan...
Nanay:huh naku eto 500 wag k lng maingay sa tatay mo
Pedro:waw epektib ah
(pumunta sa tatay)
Pedro:tay alam ko na ang ktotohanan..
Tatay:huh teka eto 1000 wag ka lang maingay sa nanay mo..
Pedro:waw epektib nga eh kay mamang hardinero kaya..
Pedro:Manong alam ko na po ang katotohanan..
Hardinero:Talaga??sa wakas anak ko halika ka dito yakapin mo ako...

HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I'm still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala

Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):
Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, Bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!

Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na
prosti dito sa kanto
namin>(dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!

Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng
driver, eh mas yummy
daw talaga si mam!

Two women friends had gone for a "girls’ night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives.
However, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas and got drunk.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery.
One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them.

Luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over.

He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls’ nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"From all of us at the fire station….we will never forget you!” laugh.gif wink.gif

teenager: lola, ang jologz mo!

lola: anong jologz?

teenager: edi baduy!

lola: langya kang bata ka! P.S. ka!

teenager: anong P.S.?

lola: paking shet! tongue.

mr admin double posting ka ahh!! bawal yan.heheh

mr admin double posting ka ahh!! bawal yan.heheh

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two
nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.
"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"